I haven't written here in a long time.

First and foremost, I love and miss Sam and Sophie. May God bless them and their families. The dreams continue with Sam. I am saddened I cannot remember them when I awake. I know Sam knows I love him. His presence is everywehre to me. Words cannot explain the love I feel for them both. Sophie..as the days grow longer, the Lord brings me closer and closer to you. Oh how I miss you..I cry very often. Today I was on the freeway and there was an accident..I felt so anxious. Life moves on..but moving on without them is hard, therefore I carry them with me everywhere. Every little piece of them is with me. M and I did kiss at the concert..went to ihop after driving aroud forever.............i did a cartwheel, so random. I saw Al with her posse. I could see the jealousy in some of their eyes. DREAM ON BITCHES. He's weird. ..I cannot talk about this right now. Will elaborate more tomorrow.

Lil Wayne Tonight with M

Can't wait! I got a really pretty dress. I love it. It's magent and pretty. I'll post pics along side with a review for tomorrow. I have second row seats, section b seats 5-6 ; ) IF YOU'RE HORNY LETS DO IT..RIDIN' MY PONY..MY SADDLE'S WAITIN..COME AND JUMP ON IT (i do not own those lyrics). I can't wait to dance and kiss..faalala. This will make my life.

i miss you sam... :[

i know sam wouldn't want me to be sad, but still. i really love and miss him..he's with me in all i do..i will live for him..through him, with him. 

"like the clouds you,

drift me away, far away yeah

and like the sun you

brighten the day, brighten my day"

(i do not own the lyrics above)

this reminds me of sam. boy...i watch videos of you and I WISH AND KNOW you should be here. so smart.

love you.

the inner chris j is coming out..

seriously. the post before? i am having serious regrets. i will punch that bitches lights out. "knock on my buck"..try knocking on some fucking wood to look good. she needs to step before i break that "pretty" face of hers. who the fuck does she thinks she's messing with? i will totally look HOT tomorrow NOT pretty..i am talking HOT. i have mesemerizing eyes..ugly bitch has brown. gross. trashy, nasty not classy.

BUT I WILL BREAK HER NECK.

lips like morph-what?

yeah that's right, lips like morphine..ones that will leave me gasping. words can't describe the butterflies in my stomach. im so excited, so anxious. i just want to kiss him already. its been a while. i have been planning this for the longest time. to be cheesy, i already planned this. if he asks again for his beloved won kiss...i would seriously trip and say "why dont you come get it?" my stomach has swirls of emotions running through it. i hope the kiss feels like this..like jolts of lightning. 

sooo..

basically i haven't written here for a while, but lately a lot has been going on. m and i are still talking and still no kiss, hah but its okay. it will happen, knowing me. i really am beginning to like him and everytime we hang out it's more and more. i wish i recoreded the other times. i'll just emphasize on them now. so the weekend before this one we hung out on a sat and we went to SR but the pizza place was too crowded so we walked and talked. we went to a restaurant on the east side lol but it was fun we wanted to go to the movies but then again he didn't want to. so we left and drove around forever. he asked me who stefan marbury was and i said an old reggae singer and he said how old and i said old whoops i was wrong it was a ncaa player hah but he asked who lisa leslie was and i said shes my girl. damn right the next day we hung out and i wore my bathing suit under my clothes, but we didn't go to the beach because it was raining. so we went to student union and played air hockey and i won. so we left and silently laughed at the ping pong players. it was cold. all i could remember was the cold and how i wanted to kiss him since i won. then we walked and i got worked up and blurted out if you won what would i have to do and he was just silent so right as he opened his mouth i opened mine and said whats that over there..hah oh well. he put his arm around me and we walked. it was cute. i went home after this because he had homework to do or whatever. then this weekend we hung out on sunday. we went to the beach it was so cold and windy i cant even explain. i literally fell over but we held eachother and i really wanted to hold his hand..why is it i always say i will do something and never do it? i will next time i promise. so we just sat there and i wanted to kiss him then too because it was just so right..the sunset, my full bladded...lol, the sun shining in our faces. well i guess my face turned purple ..embarassing. then we left after the sun set and i really had to urinate. so we went to this placed and i used it and they had no pads and omg i wanted to slap the employee. then we went to home and went to carls juniors. it was hilarious..cheo leo the strip place with private booths, i said why dont we go there. but i was joking and he was joking. so he was acting crazy because "Maria" wouldn't help us. I was getting ansy and i felt like my alter ego guadalupita was gonna beat the shit out of her. but it didnt happen. so she finally answered and he ordered and he was acting odd..but it was really hot at the time time. hah then i noticed his legs, they looked nice. then i was doing an asian voice ...seriously this night can go one and on..in general i had fun. if nothing happens it would be heartbreaking but okay because he's a good friend. came in at the wrong time, yet in a way he was the best person to come in at this time. i am always happy when i go out with him and everyone notices improvements in my moods. <3 thanks

ANother death..

:( i didn't know her, but she was a good friend of my friend.

I have developed a fear of it..I miss Sam, Sophie (my babies, S squared). I love you with all my heart, I'd give anything...I remember the last time I saw Sophie..I remember it. She was in her car. Dear Lord, how she loved that car, driving, life, sisters..how she had so much life in everything she did. SO full of love. I can't deal. Lord, help me..I need your help. Why..I can't believe she's gone, it hasn't hit me yet. I need to visit her grave this weekend for some closure..I need to. I am so appreciative of that day she took me Brooklyn and Laura to Walgreens..got me cookies, cheetos and shared her drink. I really appreciate it..never forget that day, it was April something I know that. She talked to my mom on the phone..we travelled for hours looking for Nor Cal. I told laura that I'd give her a ride, so we did. When we dropped her off, I told her to tell her sister thank you. Never forget that day..or seeing her around school, or driving in SJ. It's hard to believe/cope. I can't stop saying that. As for Sam..it gets harder (actually for both). I want them both back..I'd give anything, my soul, blood, life.............................they should be HERE. I don't like seeing my friends upset or losing anyone..I want them HERE HAPPY where they should fucking be..where are they? Sophie never sends me signs, but Sam does. He stops music for me..at certain verses, the songs I dedicate to him..in my dreams..gives me chills. I wish for Sophie to give me a sign. I want to know she's okay..come home princess.

ALso my best friend texted me yesterday, we're back together again. I knew this unstoppable force and not talking to her for a while wasn't worth it..I am so glad I have her back. I need to talk to my Mom about chilling with her though..This is going to be hard....