I haven't written here in a long time.

First and foremost, I love and miss Sam and Sophie. May God bless them and their families. The dreams continue with Sam. I am saddened I cannot remember them when I awake. I know Sam knows I love him. His presence is everywehre to me. Words cannot explain the love I feel for them both. Sophie..as the days grow longer, the Lord brings me closer and closer to you. Oh how I miss you..I cry very often. Today I was on the freeway and there was an accident..I felt so anxious. Life moves on..but moving on without them is hard, therefore I carry them with me everywhere. Every little piece of them is with me. M and I did kiss at the concert..went to ihop after driving aroud forever.............i did a cartwheel, so random. I saw Al with her posse. I could see the jealousy in some of their eyes. DREAM ON BITCHES. He's weird. ..I cannot talk about this right now. Will elaborate more tomorrow.

Lil Wayne Tonight with M

Can't wait! I got a really pretty dress. I love it. It's magent and pretty. I'll post pics along side with a review for tomorrow. I have second row seats, section b seats 5-6 ; ) IF YOU'RE HORNY LETS DO IT..RIDIN' MY PONY..MY SADDLE'S WAITIN..COME AND JUMP ON IT (i do not own those lyrics). I can't wait to dance and kiss..faalala. This will make my life.

i miss you sam... :[

i know sam wouldn't want me to be sad, but still. i really love and miss him..he's with me in all i do..i will live for him..through him, with him. 

"like the clouds you,

drift me away, far away yeah

and like the sun you

brighten the day, brighten my day"

(i do not own the lyrics above)

this reminds me of sam. boy...i watch videos of you and I WISH AND KNOW you should be here. so smart.

love you.

the inner chris j is coming out..

seriously. the post before? i am having serious regrets. i will punch that bitches lights out. "knock on my buck"..try knocking on some fucking wood to look good. she needs to step before i break that "pretty" face of hers. who the fuck does she thinks she's messing with? i will totally look HOT tomorrow NOT pretty..i am talking HOT. i have mesemerizing eyes..ugly bitch has brown. gross. trashy, nasty not classy.

BUT I WILL BREAK HER NECK.

lips like morph-what?

yeah that's right, lips like morphine..ones that will leave me gasping. words can't describe the butterflies in my stomach. im so excited, so anxious. i just want to kiss him already. its been a while. i have been planning this for the longest time. to be cheesy, i already planned this. if he asks again for his beloved won kiss...i would seriously trip and say "why dont you come get it?" my stomach has swirls of emotions running through it. i hope the kiss feels like this..like jolts of lightning. 

sooo..

basically i haven't written here for a while, but lately a lot has been going on. m and i are still talking and still no kiss, hah but its okay. it will happen, knowing me. i really am beginning to like him and everytime we hang out it's more and more. i wish i recoreded the other times. i'll just emphasize on them now. so the weekend before this one we hung out on a sat and we went to SR but the pizza place was too crowded so we walked and talked. we went to a restaurant on the east side lol but it was fun we wanted to go to the movies but then again he didn't want to. so we left and drove around forever. he asked me who stefan marbury was and i said an old reggae singer and he said how old and i said old whoops i was wrong it was a ncaa player hah but he asked who lisa leslie was and i said shes my girl. damn right the next day we hung out and i wore my bathing suit under my clothes, but we didn't go to the beach because it was raining. so we went to student union and played air hockey and i won. so we left and silently laughed at the ping pong players. it was cold. all i could remember was the cold and how i wanted to kiss him since i won. then we walked and i got worked up and blurted out if you won what would i have to do and he was just silent so right as he opened his mouth i opened mine and said whats that over there..hah oh well. he put his arm around me and we walked. it was cute. i went home after this because he had homework to do or whatever. then this weekend we hung out on sunday. we went to the beach it was so cold and windy i cant even explain. i literally fell over but we held eachother and i really wanted to hold his hand..why is it i always say i will do something and never do it? i will next time i promise. so we just sat there and i wanted to kiss him then too because it was just so right..the sunset, my full bladded...lol, the sun shining in our faces. well i guess my face turned purple ..embarassing. then we left after the sun set and i really had to urinate. so we went to this placed and i used it and they had no pads and omg i wanted to slap the employee. then we went to home and went to carls juniors. it was hilarious..cheo leo the strip place with private booths, i said why dont we go there. but i was joking and he was joking. so he was acting crazy because "Maria" wouldn't help us. I was getting ansy and i felt like my alter ego guadalupita was gonna beat the shit out of her. but it didnt happen. so she finally answered and he ordered and he was acting odd..but it was really hot at the time time. hah then i noticed his legs, they looked nice. then i was doing an asian voice ...seriously this night can go one and on..in general i had fun. if nothing happens it would be heartbreaking but okay because he's a good friend. came in at the wrong time, yet in a way he was the best person to come in at this time. i am always happy when i go out with him and everyone notices improvements in my moods. <3 thanks

ANother death..

:( i didn't know her, but she was a good friend of my friend.

I have developed a fear of it..I miss Sam, Sophie (my babies, S squared). I love you with all my heart, I'd give anything...I remember the last time I saw Sophie..I remember it. She was in her car. Dear Lord, how she loved that car, driving, life, sisters..how she had so much life in everything she did. SO full of love. I can't deal. Lord, help me..I need your help. Why..I can't believe she's gone, it hasn't hit me yet. I need to visit her grave this weekend for some closure..I need to. I am so appreciative of that day she took me Brooklyn and Laura to Walgreens..got me cookies, cheetos and shared her drink. I really appreciate it..never forget that day, it was April something I know that. She talked to my mom on the phone..we travelled for hours looking for Nor Cal. I told laura that I'd give her a ride, so we did. When we dropped her off, I told her to tell her sister thank you. Never forget that day..or seeing her around school, or driving in SJ. It's hard to believe/cope. I can't stop saying that. As for Sam..it gets harder (actually for both). I want them both back..I'd give anything, my soul, blood, life.............................they should be HERE. I don't like seeing my friends upset or losing anyone..I want them HERE HAPPY where they should fucking be..where are they? Sophie never sends me signs, but Sam does. He stops music for me..at certain verses, the songs I dedicate to him..in my dreams..gives me chills. I wish for Sophie to give me a sign. I want to know she's okay..come home princess.

ALso my best friend texted me yesterday, we're back together again. I knew this unstoppable force and not talking to her for a while wasn't worth it..I am so glad I have her back. I need to talk to my Mom about chilling with her though..This is going to be hard....

Barack Obama *EDIT

Last night I had a dream I was sexually attracted to Barack Obama, like he was seriously turning me on..ew, I am a minor! He was the presidental elect of the (even more yuck) democract party! I love my republicans

the end

Also, ode to Sam..Thank you, you sneaky little one :p Miss you..come home soon! hope you liked my poem..I enjoy dreaming of you

I also forgot to report a dream the other night. Ew..I was like ahhhh because okay M doesn't treat me the way I should be treated. In my dream we were spooning..oh my..yuck. PUTOOEY nasty ass shit there..anyways. I don't remember that.

AC didn't notice my nose piercing, didn't flirt with me, lied about being 22 when he's 25 (he let it slip..hmm I guess I attract the good older ones ;) ) and uhm he got really close to my face, let me play his game..cool.

Well right now I have my apt which always helps. Thank God, what would I do without a release. Tomorrow I am going out with G. Dinner at PF changs. Her bday was the other day but I couldn't go because I had a family bday. I hope I see M...looks like his phone isn't working and he wants to be a douche and not respond to my comments. Whatever, there's better out there, plus I am worth it. So you wanna lose this? My face will be known..trust me. I am not saying that. I mean it. I am way too good for anyone stuid, ruthless and arogant. I deserve the best because I have been through enough shit.

Sam...I miss you so much

Everydamntime I drive by the OG area, the 87 where the capital cemetery is..I think of Sam. I can't stop thinking of him..the video of him dancing with his cousin (which really inspires me to dance), his sister, my dream, Eddie, T, it all comes to me with an overwhelming rush and crash of a wave..emotion, disaster..love, heartbreak, sadness because i miss his happiness..sadness because he should be living. He had something to live for. Sam, wherever you are I miss you..you changed my life..just as I wrote that a specific song came on...odd. (Mr. Piano Man - Brandy) "He was gone for hours, people crying showers.." I always wish I could have saved you. I would risk my all just for you to be back. I feel horrible for Eddie. Today I was on the freeway in that spot on the 87..the cemetery area, grafitti...I see a hearse.................I just turned to my Mom and shrieked, I don't know why. I ducked my head (thank God I have big hair to hide behind and the bigger the hair the closer you are to heaven aka Sam, Sophie, etc.) and I closed my eyes so tightly not to cry, but my eyes became red exposing all the visivble veins..I pictured Sophies last ride in there..Sams..I couldn't take it and I can't take that you two are gone. I lost you to nothing..it should have never happened.

You visit me in my sleep,

in the unquestionable dark deep.

Quests to save  you will never come true,

Drowning in the dark abyss blue.

Silently screaming out for you to return,

Heal me,

Harshest burn.

In the dreams,

You rip my seams.

Feeling alive more than ever,

Seeing you gone,

should have been never.

Within my body,

blood rushes through my veins,

terribly sorry.

Strong disdain,

Useless hope,

Days of death,

Searching through my microscope

Never able to find,

Never better in time.

Way too far to see,

Knowing that your presence is stil with me

is hard to believe.

Visit me in my sleep,

I want you to cut me,

deeper than deep.

Talk to me for hours,

Stop with me to smell the flowers.

Smile,

with grace,

Find me please,

Visit me with consistent pace.

Don't stop,

Climbing until we reach the top.

Needing to feel you with me,

Savior of mine,

Don't pass time.

Stop the clock,

Hold me close,

Mismatched socks,

thats you.

Simple with dimples,

that's me.

Together we will be.

Reuntied in my sleep,

Dream me dreams,

Rip my seams

Deeper than deep.

Hold my hand,

Take a leap.

Swear words blurred out with a beep,

Visit me,

take a peek.

It is my soul you take at night,

feels so right.

Next time you leave for good,

hug me, sqeeze me so tight.

Never leave my side,

with those words abide.

Begging you,

on my knees,

the jingle of my keys,

Let's leave together. 

You've made your mark,

in my mind, my dreams,

the deepest dark.

Dream me dreams,

Sing me songs,

Say nothings wrong.

Wanting to leave,

hard to believe

You're still with me,

Together we'll be,

Proving them wrong,

Forever they'll see.

Tonight,

Closing my eyes,

wishing for your visit,

Escape the heavens with goodbyes,

Show me your back with a sunrise,

blow the wind in my hair,

I love you,

show me that you're there.

Another dream..

I was with my grandma and aunt in some parking lot and it was weird. I believe if I can remember my grandma had a kid and she was speaking spanish. Then I saw everyone flocking someone and the door was open and I was drawn to it. I went and guess who I saw?? ANNA NICOLE!! OMG I got to hang out with her forever. I was so thankful. She was so laid back, hanging out in her pajamas with no makeup and really mellow. We talked for what seemed forever in an underground mall that the parking lot elevator brought us to. I told her how much I admired her and how much I wanted to meet her for months. I said I admired her for everything..in my mind at the moment was Dannilynn, the death of her son (whom I've had dreams of). I even said how beautiful she was, she was goregous..still is. She seemed like she cared but when I was going to ask her about death..she just kept walking away and I was pushed far back into was seemed to be an airport terminal. Then before this I went back and asked for something I don't know what and then I was pushed back into what seeemd to be an airport terminal. I remembered I wanted a picture so when I woke up I would have a picture with her! I was so convinced. I never got it. What's even weirder, I was dreaming in Spanish. I was also having issues with my friend Victor (Vicki Lynn was Anna's real name) which is weird. Lately, I've been dreaming of those who are no longer physically on earth. Anna to me was one of the most beautiful women on earth. Rest in peace Anna, even though you're probably having a good time.

Last night I had a dream..

I can't remember except m messaged me on myspace saying sorry for not talking to me and that he knows he's supposed to save me and be my savior..I don't get it? Yeah, I thought he saved me, but only me can save me from me. I am so sick of his bull. He's obviously not sure of what he's doing. Sorry your ex and I have the same face. Literally..I wish everything to fall into place. Wish me luck in class tonight with A.C. He's way too nice to pass up, friends forever ha I bought a big bag of oriental mix for him (and I). Maybe he'll notice my nose piercing..

Dear Sam..

The dream was true. I dreamed of YOU because of your birthday which I had no knowledge of. I dreamed of your parents getting remarried..it was actually your grandparents aniversary. Thank you for sending me a sign. I love and miss you. It meant a lot to. How can you not believe in God? That dream was no coincedent. It showed me you are still here, I should not be too sad..I wish you were, but you are with me :) That makes me happy. Thank you for putting a smile on my face even though at times tears consume me with sadness. I can't explain to you how often I think about this, but I think you know.  I can't grasp it. How could this happen to me? Did anyone else exerience this? I ask God for a dream from people I missed and I prayed really hard. I miss you. Come home again..everytime I drive by Almaden, I think of OG. I think of you. It's harder to drive by there. COME HOME sam.  We love you

Sam, I miss you

I dreamed that I was in cabo last night probably because of the kardashians show..i was with my mom and we were supposedly staying in the nice place but it was a cheap motel no too far from the shore. they said the waves were safe which was a lie. they were huge. then i don't remember this. i was at sams house..yes sam, my beloved who passed away. the most beautiful boy i have ever laid eyes on..he passed away last year on may 19th i believe..10 days after prom. i miss that kid. im glad he visits me in my dreams, sleep..and he's everywhere to me. i love you. the dream consisted of me with his family and his sister A. A is a strong girl and you can tell she has moved on but i found out in my dream it was a front. we were in her house talking. her parents were getting remarried. she kept talking to me about normal stuff. my aunt was with her parents. we were in the car together and she broke down and i started crying but i felt th emotions..they swept me away i was crying..and felt like it. i said "is it about sam?" she said "i miss him so much" and started breaking down...this time we were on the freeway "do you want me to hold you?" i preceeded to hold A. i asked her, "do you feel him?" she broke down even more, "no i do not feel him" "he's everywhere" "i never feel him" she broken down even more curling up into a ball as i held her and as i looked down, she comforted in me. i felt her pain. she weeped. i told her that sam will always be with us no matter what. he's always here. we got to her house and she pulled out a box of pictures and i asked to see some and she said that they have to be chronological with dates. i decided not to look at pictures, though I did see a few. They made me saddened. We had to rush to get ready for Sams parents wedding. My aunt had to dye her hair and we had a few minutes left, we had to rush. I don't remember how it ended..but I love you sam and i will never forget how you touched me. I can never forget you. I think about you all the time..you frequently visit me, I feel you. (For the first time I told you, I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you. Now we're saying bye, bye, bye) Your birthday is tomorrow, that's why I dreamed of you. You are sending me a sign. I will never forget you. You lift me up and you help me, guide me and are there with me..always and forever, that's how it's intended to be. God chose you for no reason..you should be here..I can't imagine me growing up and you still being a boy. You had so much time left...Sam, help me. I need you. I miss you. I love you.

Right now..

I'm doing none of your business.

I had a dream my first crush died. I liked him when I was 6-7. Then I went to high school and he liked me..asked me to homecoming, said i was the so beautiful he walked into a wall. i said no because of some boy i liked. then at prom i danced with him as his girlfriend watched..hahahah stupid. then she walked by me at the game and said i was a fucking slut. ok i didnt like my dream i never want to lose him..there's so much i can't go on without telling him somethings. it would hurt me. i miss S, everytime i see a pic of her i realize how beautiful she is. i cant come to believe it..i can't grasp it. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i fucking miss you.

. . The Perfect Scene

"Well, it's on my mind. I met it back in time. And I think of all the songs we used to play and I then I think of you then it's alright. I think of you and it's alright. Well it's this sort of thing that gets me to lose my mind. And it's the flashy flashy eyes that make it worth while. And it's everytime we, we get together We just fall in love again.."

Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I don't know what to think of you. Sometimes I remember 10:30 high as fuck, sometimes I remember us being weird on your basement floor...sometimes I miss that basement floor. Sometimes I wish you asking me to do weird things. Sometimes I miss your strong scratchy hands. Sometimes I miss the way the shade hit my legs. Sometimes I miss the way you would look into my eyes like you loved me. Sometimes I miss the good ol' days. Sometimes I miss sneaking around. Sometimes I miss you.

sometimes, I need you.

(i do not own the lyrics above)

I'm so fucking mad..

I have been talking to this person forever and I thought yesterday he would do something..surprise me..something, he did nothing but wish me a happy valentines day. I spent the whole day crying while he's probably out with some other girl. fucker

then I had a dream that I married my Mom's friend, which is quite hilarious (I only know why)..and some other shit. weird.

im fucking mad.

fuck people and their valentines.

no one wanted to be mine.

i at least thought someone would like me or something..i guess not.

im completely unwanted.

Valentines .

You suck. You led me on. I thought I would awake to a surprise from you. I was wrong.

I hate this holiday..probably pointless because of our fucking age. I doubt he wants anything to do with me. I really thought he was different. I really thought he would be the one to do something for me. For weeks I thought this..

I miss you much..

i miss you so much.

My Dream Last Night..

I had a dream that I was with Saryn and Brooklyn was her best friend. I never met Saryn. I only dreamed out them because I was looking at their pictures on Facebook. I went to Leland and my Mom abandoned me and on the way we saw Sean and he saw us..needless to say, ha I said something about him like "ew" then Saryn and I were chillling and she kept calling Brooklyn and I kept pretending to be her..and we were in the office which was green paying for Homecoming tickets in advance without dates..and my mom kicked her and over and over. Then Saryn said we should hang out more. Weird..and she kept talking about her bro Alex.

Besides dreams lately, I've been feeling down because of Valentines Day..it really hurts me. The one thing I want most likely can't be mine, but as a good friend once told me, the Laws of attraction. I wish Saturday would be nice. .I already feel the connect being lost. I really don't want it to end up this way. NO one asks me to be their girl friend, no one holds my hands, no one holds me, no one kisses me..everyone says I'm pretty and I'll find a boyfriend. One of my best friends has been saying this for years..has she ever seen me with anyone who doesn't break my heart? She lives in a small town on the outskirts of my city, she doesn't get how hard it is for us city girls. We deal with grit and grime and we know how to deal with it. I've had enough. All I wish for, for Valentines day was someone..to maybe want to do something with me. The only thing standing between me and having what I want is NOTHING. Even L has a boyfriend..he's nasty (I heard his ex liked it up the butt). I wish I was in her shoes..she's perfect. Anyways, I'm preparing for another heartbreak day.

Yao Ming is My Prince Charming

I love Yao Ming. He's hot. Tall. Sexy. Asian. Awesome. Speaks Mandarin.
I had a dream about Yao Ming last night. The whole Houston Rockets team was at my house and damn did I look good. He was about to leave when I asked him to take a picture with me. He said yes! Then he warned me not to kiss him and I remembered he had a wife which upset me. So we took a pic and I thought I was a model. So many pictures went by. Then he kneeled down, which I don't know why because in my dream he wa short, and he put his arm around me and I kissed him ever so passionately on the lips. The best kiss ever..(literally "in your dreams") I was so excited. He left and I couldn't find the cord to uplaod the pics. My Mom was directing the photoshoot in my living room. I wish I could marry him..gosh, we'd make some hot babies. I am everything but black (some asian) so maybe Chinese babies will do me justice. I love him. I am going to two of his games. I'm traveling north and south within two days to see him. I can not wait. My Mother even said we can stand outside and stalk him!! I will take that picture with him..and oh, the tickets are 1,800 and worth it. You can't put a price on love.

Kiss Me Thru the Phone..

It is not fair, the one time I am happy with someone (and actually maybe came close to having a boyfriend) , it's not going to work because I'm TOO YOUNG..what the hell, not kewl so here's a fucking song for you..and here's to me having a boring valetines day and fat tuesday...let the countdown begin 5 months 29 days. hope that makes you happy.

She's there..

The other day I was on my bike..the usual work out when I'm pissed. I kept riding the bike until my legs would fall off and walking until I had no butt...I was feeling down and I saw the sun peak from the grey clouds onto me the wind blew I knew it was her. I was in the car and a song came on and cried...I miss her.

..I've always been fascinated with Anna Nicole

Her life, her beauty, everything always intrigued me. She is the most beautiful woman in the world..for years I have watched her sprout on E and news channels. When people would ask who I wanted to meet I would say, "Anna!" I wish I could meet her, but now we can not meet. That disappoints me. Everytime I watch something about her, I want to cry. I remember when my Mom told me she passed away..I was in the front of her car listening to the radio. I screamed! My Mom asked why I was mad and I said, "Because she was so fucking beautiful..my role model, icon, the best guess model ever!" That day was solemn and this sone skinny bitch I know who shall remain anonymous (and who by chance has never experienced death of a close one) stated, "Who cares that Anna Nicole Smith died?" How mature for almost being legal..anyways, I was trying to figure out who the boy was in my dreams about fire - Markus and Frank. It was DANIEL SMITH. Last night I was watching the Anna Nicole special on television and I saw his face and I said out loud, "Why does he look so familiar?" Then I jumped back put my rice ball down and said, "That's the boy in my dreams! Wow." My Mom looked at me like I was on narcotics, but it's okay..I have more of a caring heart anyways. I'd rather be nice than a bitch. So...that shocked me. Why was he coming to me in my dreams burning? Why was I AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION? (Anna) Why did I feel such a deep loss? Was it because Anna loss her son? Was I experiencing clairvoyance?..Why do I feel this? Me? Out of everyone? That's interesting..I don't know how to take this dream as, but in my dream I felt the love she had for her son. I learned a lesson in that dream : be nice to everyone. This dream drives me crazy, makes me cringe. On Sunday, I will light a candle for Anna. Such a beautiful woman, REST IN PEACE.

Songs that mean a lot to me

1. The Perfect Scene - Mercy Mercedes
2. Beautiful Love - The Afters
3. Will You Remember Me? - Sara Mclauchlin
4. Ain't No Reason - Bret Dennan
5. In the Shadows - The Rasmus
6. Sleepless - Until June
7. All of Your Love - Hellogoodbye
8. Give Me Your Eyes - Brandon Heath
9. 4 in the Morning - Gwen Stefani
10. I Wrote This song About You - Making April
11. Still Here - Natasha Bedingfield
12. After Tonight - Justin Nozuka
13. Smother Me - The Used
14. Sweetest Girl - Wyclef Jennings
15. Blurry - Puddle of Mudd
16. Falling in Love - Falling Up
17. Day N' Nite - Kid Kuddi
18. Don't Hang Up - Britney Spears
19. A Drop in the Ocean - Ron Pope
20. Candlight Sick and Tired - The White Tie Affair

Last night I had a dream..

Lately, someone has passed away and I can not get over it. All my emotions are bustling and swirling, I can't seem to calm down. I cry every minute of everyday, just the thought of it replaying in my mind hurts. I can never forget the memories..and there are some I did forget that I wish I could remember..<3 The other night I had a dream I was in the car with my best friend on Jackson street when she hit a pole..she was okay, but she had to tell her mom what happened..but in the dream she was a ghost, very pale and blan looking. Her pupils were enlarged with no life. Last night I had a dream about Markus and Frank (David?)..They were blonde boys that supposedly attended my old school. I was sitting by the theatre and my friends were there too. Someone introduced me to the young or older brother then the other one came over. Then they came to my house..supposedly Markus said he wanted to be with me and asked my mother and she said yes..and he wanted me to be the woman that he married. I guess the vibe I am feeding off of is that we were somethig, I liked him..he must symbolize someone I like. Then I guess I went to sleep and there was a fire..I could see them trying to escape. No one got out. I was awoken by my mother telling me that they had died..I cried out, I screamed, I went insane. I missed their funeral. I tried donating money to a charity they had..60,000 they raised for someone deceased. I was in a bank. Their last wish was to donate money to the cause. I was in line. Money out. Robbers told us all down, they grabbed my money. I cried out. I got up. Went to the cash register. Told him I did have a 100 and he added it in...then I was with hugh hefner and I told him that he needed a redheaded girlfriend. Then we were on a boat. Then I don't know. I really loved him though.

Moral of the story is, Markus and David scare the fuck out of me..I have premonitions and I know a fire is going to happen..and I've always had a fear of fire. I know someone named Markus who burned his arm with fire..but sweet baby Jesus, please don't hurt him..I know he needs someone like me. Please don't harm him any way..he is already a little damaged, he doesn't need his sweet life taken away. I know I could be his friend and be there for him. Don't. Take him under your wing and take care of him. I couldn't bear losing him.

..everylittle heartbeat everylittle breath

last night i had a dream about a car accident..and if you know me, you know why this hits home.

i miss you

i miss your beautiful smile

I am Sorry..

I always wished someone would sit me down and profess their love to me..well they did 7/15. How can I forget? Best day of my life. Sitting there with the guy I loved, the summer breeze, at the park on Capitol..in his car. That kiss by Bell..who knows. I messed up, but I am glad I did. I hurt him and I am sad I did. I am an awful friend but not as awful as him, no comarison. I want to feel that way again..to be held, told they like you and would do anything for you..sweet baby Jesus, what do you have in store for me? I miss the way we played in the basement..I miss the way you looked at me even though you had a girl friend..I miss the jokes of being wed..I miss those kisses, those akward fumbles, I miss the moment your mom yelled at you. I miss it. I miss you. I miss us. I miss love. You were the only one to show me it. But I wasn't true to me. I miss all of it.

This is for you

Lay Smashed, Picture Perfect

I wish today was a good day..please Lord

Let me smile

Get Out, Right Now

Why is it everytime I have a premonition, I know it, I feel it, I don't wanna deal with it, I never listen? I can't tap into my emotions, I want to feel what I don't want to feel. This deep clairvoyance, it won't go away. I asorbed others pains just to never have it released and it accumulates so deep over time like dirt in pores that create a pussy zit that explodes everywhere. Needless to say, today was no bueno. I have a headache, my nose feels like a clogged toilet, I want to vomit..I want to scream, cry, get out of the house. I am a prisoner. Let's face it, no knight in shining armor will save me. They won't to crash into the waters (that don't exist) around my mote..I have no barriers, but that's bad. I need walls, you don't crash into them. Out, let me out I say. My friends won't even save me. They won't even help me ..friends for life or friends for death? It's like a coin toss, head - lose, tails - no one wants the back side. .I don't know where I'm going with this, k bye

Hell, Heaven, Hell

Hell, heaven, hell..who do i tell? Lately, I have been feeling better, but extemely yucky at the same time. The typical has consumed my days, boring school work, stupid boys who talk to you forever then ditch you, and did i mention school work? it is not fair for me, i have so much life in me and i can not display it because i barely rake up any friends, school life or anything for that point. I was consumed with happiness when I made a new friend who actually took me out, laughed with me, loved my dumb jokes..I was honestly happy and it was visible. Everyone asked me why I was so happy and I couldn't hide it. The smiles were wider than the width of this universe..I felt happy for once. Feeling on top of the world, seeing what it has to offer after months of being home felt amazing..Until this weekend, when yes of course I had a good evening..something happened, and I knew it in the gut of my stomach. After all this talking, planning, it was too good to be true..everything stopped and so did my happiness. I am aware of placing my happiness upon people, but you would have to be in my shoes to understand anything..it just stopped and it's upsetting. I have trained myself to awake to the vibrations of my phone..I have family asking what happened, my bad, I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I should have kept that wall up. I feel upset, like I lost another friend. I do not like being avoided, it just hurts. Feels like school all over again..I can not stand these feelings. My friends do not get anything, they are not me, not in my shoes, and will never experience the shit I have. I don't know why I am upset over the typical..I am used to this by now. But why? Something triggered me, it's like a drug..in your darkest hour you use it to heal. That's what I did, leaving the house was my scapegoat..I left and felt happy, I actually saw the world. I saw many things, I felt many things..and everything. My life is not fair. Why do people play magician and are here with me and gone the next? :(..stupid. I don't know what to do. I can't fill my time up with anything because there is nothing I can do. I am home, school work, I don't drive and I probably seem as stupid as a baby. I'm a weak excuse for anyone liking me. Valentines day is coming up..guess I should get that ben and jerrys out and eat my contentness out of it..I shouldn't plan on doing anything then, tonight, tomorrow, or now. This is bull shit and on top of that "everyone hates me".

When in Doubt, Tell Someone Everyone Hates Them!

Unfortunately, there is a thing called, "past relationships" or "ass holes." Some people fit the mold incredibly well, why others almost meet the half-way mark of the two. In elementary, middle, and high school, no one ever liked me and could not give me a reason why not to. I have always been nice to people and was there whenever they needed me, but peope thought I was a stuck up snob. Apparently, I am not sure where they rendered their information. Personally, I know it was because of the things I owned (bags, jewlery), my confidence (I was a great speaker, my grades were good), and my young Mother who let me do whatever I want. Nothing's wrong with that and it takes an immature person to hate someone for those minial aspects. 

 The other day, this person who really hurt me and was there since those days of middle school, told me  "No wonder everyone hates you." My heart was crushed, how could this person who was my best friend through the darkest hour turn on me like that? I was sitting in my 1A college course with mature people..that is right, MATURE PEOPLE..and I felt like crying. The pit of my stomach turned to mush, I was about to run away and kick the fucking fountain. Instead, I slyly walked down the hall and sat with someone I just befriended. A mature person. Spilling my guts is a common thing I do, but I kept those yucky things inside of me. Was that ass hole right? Does everyone hate me? Sometimes physcologically it feels that way. No one comprehends what it is like to go to school for all those years and never have any friends, lacking tradition, normal moments..One person stuck by my side through this all. She is amazing and I wouldn't trade her for the world. If you said you hated me, she would be in a cab throwing garbage at you. (ahaha) But why stoop so low to tell me everyone hates me? Why? Is it because everyone hates you now? It is not my fault I was defending myself to this person because they treated me like everyother male does, takes me, talks to me, leaves me..REPEAT (with another). I personally think he is jealous, you know why? All I ever see when he is with someone is a cheap replica of me. He could never have me and I doubt he ever will, especially now. That is why he probably told me everyone hates me..everyone probably wants something of me in a way or another and I guess that jerk wants everything.

 Here's my theory: You want to be in my life, respect me. Do not abandon me when the going gets tough. I was sick of holding on to the thread of July, I had to let go. That person is gone now. Yes, it hurt, but I gained so much from dealing with games for almost five years of brutal treatment. I may not attain mainy friends, but I have my one "ride or die" amica. That girl will never leave me. If everyone hates me, sorry they are immature. Grow up and neglect middle school stereotype. This is the real world baby, live in it, get a move on, and get a life.

i can't take it

sometimes i feel as if all the boundaries are set and no one can ever break them. i buildt these walls up so no one can touch me and i hate it when someone finally figures out how to do that. i feel not too happy today only because the typical happened. typical, typical, typical. this same thing always happens, but never in this time of the year. i don't get it, what am i supposed to do? everything's on me. i have school today, i have a sore throat today and last but not least i am bored today. i hate being bored. i was awoken by a message i could not fucking care for, seriously? it's as if i have trained myself to awake to the vibrations of my phone. my family doesn't have to ask questions all the time..when they do, it just hurts. why do they care so much? leave me alone. i dont like this feeling, but my conscience is always right, i cant deny it..its probaby true. i can't believe everything i heard i feel like chopping my ears off..this sucks. really. after a while of being happy, that guard i once placed up came down. cool, thanks. so now i have to rebuild it and train myself to not have feelings. i am sick of everyone having everything happen for them, i only get to a few steps and its done. great life i have. i am sick of this shit, it needs to end. secretly a lot tears me up on the inside..and honestly, it all starts with that wall. it's weird. i don't get why God let this happen again..how mean :( I am so sick of this shit, I feel like slapping myself.

my soul?

i have never felt like my soul has "escaped" and what i mean by that is, i have never felt so carefee in my life. i dont even care anymore..i can run around like a weirdo and i could not care if anyone thinks i am weird..i can say what i want and not regret. i dont care anymore, and what a wonderful feeling that is. i am aware at how bizarre this may sound but honestly its satisfying after years of caring for judgements of ass holes, i dont mind. they never cared, why should i ? i always say i have what i need..i wouldnt trade anyone for the world, that's all i need. the people i know. i dont need much to be happy. it took a long time to realize what ive always wanted was already mine! my friends! they have always been there and i love each and everyone of them. i am so glad i showed some of them the door..haha some asses deserved it. i feel so rich with gratitude..i wish i could thank someone for this feeling.

i used to stay up at night and cry wishing bad things for myself..but i realized, i have a life..and i am here for a reason, i am not sure what..but i think i know now. i am here to help people, always be there for them. i just figured out what life is about : not learning, it's a bout living.

sometimes you wanna give up but you cant. you never know whats on the other side. you gotta keep going..who knows

What if..

everyhing was right, perfect. Sometimes I wonder why I can't reach perfection..why I can't attain the life I wish I had. I know I will never be completely happy, but there are friends (and family) who can help you reach your happiness and the ones who make you feel on top of the world can make you feel like you're in death valley. Everyone's going to hurt you, you just have to decide who's worth the pain. I really don't like categorizing people or judging yet at the same time, I have to. Someone who once made me very happy had to vanish..disappear. This person will never comprehend anything no matter how many times I have yelled my heart out at them. I spilled my guts and it sounds as disgusting as it feels. I poured every ounce of everything just to be left with nothing. There's an empty spot..they are dead to me. I hate to say such a bad thing, but when I think of them..I think of a haunting spirit. It's not a void, it's gone. That's it. I deserve to have a happiness that can't be touched or bothered, out of everything..I deserve it. Typical, just typical. I'm free but sometimes I feel like I have cement shoes on. You know what they say, "If the shoe fits, wear it." I can't say I am destroyed because of one person, but I can say I have learned a lot. When you are treated like trash in a garbage disposal (and most likely always have been in odd relationships) and someone else treats you with respect, you can see that what you once thought was perfect was not even close. My standards have changed. I'm probably the mose uncaring, uncanny person out there..I care about what's important (school, friends, family) other than that, nothing matters to me. I just want to be happy, make everyone smile..never making them feel so low. I truly wish for that more than anything. Let me be unhappy, I'd rather have everyone have what they want. Life is bizarre and I am used to it. I can't change anything that has happened, I could only forget about everything. Whoever doesn't acknowledge anything is perhaps a low life who I can't have respect for. I have everything and everyone I need..maybe not everything, but close enough. Life is good, Life is bad, Life is whatever. I need three wishes. I think about it all the time, the three wishes..I wish they would come true..I keep my faith and I'll see where it takes me. I just never want to feel that way again.