Hell, Heaven, Hell

Hell, heaven, hell..who do i tell? Lately, I have been feeling better, but extemely yucky at the same time. The typical has consumed my days, boring school work, stupid boys who talk to you forever then ditch you, and did i mention school work? it is not fair for me, i have so much life in me and i can not display it because i barely rake up any friends, school life or anything for that point. I was consumed with happiness when I made a new friend who actually took me out, laughed with me, loved my dumb jokes..I was honestly happy and it was visible. Everyone asked me why I was so happy and I couldn't hide it. The smiles were wider than the width of this universe..I felt happy for once. Feeling on top of the world, seeing what it has to offer after months of being home felt amazing..Until this weekend, when yes of course I had a good evening..something happened, and I knew it in the gut of my stomach. After all this talking, planning, it was too good to be true..everything stopped and so did my happiness. I am aware of placing my happiness upon people, but you would have to be in my shoes to understand anything..it just stopped and it's upsetting. I have trained myself to awake to the vibrations of my phone..I have family asking what happened, my bad, I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I should have kept that wall up. I feel upset, like I lost another friend. I do not like being avoided, it just hurts. Feels like school all over again..I can not stand these feelings. My friends do not get anything, they are not me, not in my shoes, and will never experience the shit I have. I don't know why I am upset over the typical..I am used to this by now. But why? Something triggered me, it's like a drug..in your darkest hour you use it to heal. That's what I did, leaving the house was my scapegoat..I left and felt happy, I actually saw the world. I saw many things, I felt many things..and everything. My life is not fair. Why do people play magician and are here with me and gone the next? :(..stupid. I don't know what to do. I can't fill my time up with anything because there is nothing I can do. I am home, school work, I don't drive and I probably seem as stupid as a baby. I'm a weak excuse for anyone liking me. Valentines day is coming up..guess I should get that ben and jerrys out and eat my contentness out of it..I shouldn't plan on doing anything then, tonight, tomorrow, or now. This is bull shit and on top of that "everyone hates me".